You know the beginning of Eminem’s “Lose Yourself” with knees being all weak and palms being sweaty? That’s me during this time of the year when it comes to what gifts I should be getting for people. Here on this post, we will run through some of the strangest, why-does-that-exist items you could get for a basketball fan. Some of the gifts are outfront strange, others it’s the marketing strategy of those items which are confusing and delightful (you’ll see with the first one).
Though if I’m going to continue to be honest here, this story will not help fellow untalented gifters. But! It’s still incredibly fun to write and modestly enjoyable to read (I hope). The only downside is that it destroys my cookie/search history so for the next 8 months I get pummeled with ads for terrible NBA gifts, but this the burden that I bear for you all.
BABY FACE TATS
This is billed as a 4 pack of temporary tattoos, and sure it could be applied to a toddler’s still developing face but that is not the proper use for them. Somewhere, someone made the decision to take a stock image of this precocious little kid and slapped a temporary tattoo on their rosy red cheeks. I’m guessing this person isn’t a parent.
There are also other 4 packs of temporary tats being sold, though the images used are of adults. Why, again, a child was chosen for the Nets is beyond me. Also it is worth clicking to the item. The description says the temporary tattoos are both Made in the USA and Imported.
Team-Branded Sanitary Wipes
I don’t want to go too deep on this one, but ‘sanitary wipes’ have a use that does not exactly line up with repping your favorite team. Though I do appreciate the insertion of ‘hand’ into the title to avoid confusion.
The Charlotte Bobcats 2010-11 Yearbook
Still haven’t gotten the champagne out of your hair from the Bobcats historic 2010-11 season when they went 34-48? BUY THIS YEARBOOK! I know we all remember 32-year-old Stephen Jackson leading Tyrus Thomas, Gerald Wallace, Boris Diaw and Kwame Brown to the lottery promise land.
This yearbook is in a special but not unique class of items that remain on sports memorabilia websites, where its timeliness is gone (like calendars from years past) but the powers that be still seek to make a few dollars on it.
Old Nets Notepad
Along the same lines as the previous item (out-of-date product still being sold), this Nets notepad is an absolute beauty. It is not a retrofit job, using the old logo to sell a new item. This had to be made, at the latest, in 2012 before the team moved to Brooklyn. Here is the description from the website:
“Never forget another appointment or big game again! This memo pad holder will keep your New Jersey Nets in mind the next time you need to jot down an important date or time. Made from dark wood and featuring an enameled team logo at the top, this holder will make a delightful addition to the desk of any New Jersey Nets fan.”
At last check there were just six of these notepads left. My hope is that next year, and the year after there, there remain six notepads left.
Warriors Cornhole Ornament
Alright, I’m about to throw an absolutely groundbreaking business theory at you. The success of a product depends on how much of it you sell. To sell a lot of a certain product, you need it to appeal to as many people as possible in order to have as large of a customer base as possible. Basically make something you think a lot of people would like.
And that brings us to this NBA team Cornhole ornament mashup. This item (and whoever created it) supposes that there are enough people that love a certain basketball team.... and also love the lawn game cornhole. But not only that! Their love for both cornhole and basketball runs so deep that when it comes to this time of the year, they need a miniature symbol of their love for both of those things to put on a tree.
Map of Nets Territory
As much as the Nets want to re-brand themselves after the move to Brooklyn and make everyone forget that they played in New Jersey, this map is a reminder that yes! New Jersey still exists.
Nets Bikini Bottoms
I WILL POST THIS EVERY YEAR I DO THIS ARTICLE. The fact that these leopard print bikini bottoms are even being sold is not the only crazy part. Look at that image. I mean really look at it. It should enter into the Hall of Fame of Horrible Airbrushing, along with Alicia Vikander’s Neck and that time W Magazine removed Gigi Hadid’s and Kendall Jenner’s kneecaps. There’s a strange flatness on the right cheek, no curve below but yet the left cheek it seems like curve has been added. Mind Boggled.
Hope this post helps at least someone find something to get that special someone. Happy Holidays!