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The Weirdest & Best NBA Gifts One Can Buy

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Nets Bikini Bottoms
store.nba.com

We’ve all been at this point in the holiday season. Black Friday and Cyber Monday came and went. All those beautifully discounted deals are no longer available. You’re left staring at less than a week till gift giving time, empty handed, and you begin furiously clicking on the SALE tab of any website, hoping to find something, anything that will not make you look like an inconsiderate family member but yet won’t break the bank.

Well this post won’t really answer that problem. What it will do is show you some of the crazy/weird/why’d-they-even-make-that gifts you can buy on NBA.com. And if you happen to find what you’re looking for, that’s just an unintended benefit. Onto the list!

Durant OKC 2017 Calendar
store.nba.com

Old out-of-date (literally) calendars are a staple of this piece. The NBA.com store has been known to sell calendars that are two to three years old. But this is a truly remarkable first. A calendar that is correct year-wise, but is WAY OFF when it comes to roster. The calendar is a daily reminder (literally, again) to Thunder fans that Kevin Durant has left town. And even with how ridiculous this calendar is, I can imagine Russell Westbrook buying one and crossing out each day with blood until the Warriors and Thunder serendipitously meet in the 2nd round of the playoffs. And oh by the way, when researching this story over this past weekend, the NBA store was selling this calendar for a slightly discounted price. Now? The item’s been ‘DISCONTINUED.’ #AdamSilver’sAlwaysWatching

Hibbert Pacers Signed Photo
store.nba.com

There is not just one, but two of these 16” x 20” signed Roy Hibbert Pacers photos that have both been discounted from 90 dollars to 10 dollars. It’d cost more to print a photo of this size at Duane Reade than it does to buy this Hibbert signed action shot. It’s one of those wonderful circumstances in the world of sports memorabilia, that adding someone’s signature to something decreases the value of the item.

New Orleans Hornets Memo Pad
store.nba.com

Not only is this billed as a New Orleans Hornets memo pad, but it’s a cellphone version of WHAT ARE THOSE. That is without a doubt the most janky cellphone they could’ve chosen. And the message on the pad, “Meet Ralph and Mike at the pond tommorrow - 5:30am sharp!” For one thing, tomorrow is misspelled. And two, I don’t know why, but I am sort of freaked out a little about that message. What the heck is the writer of this message going to do with Ralph and Mike. And the location is a pond? There are only a couple of things you can do at a pond at 5:30 in the morning, and most of them aren’t good. Ominous, quite ominous.

Derrick Rose Elf Doll
store.nba.com

This is sad considering that not only has the native son been traded to the Knicks, but the soft, mushy, unstable material used to make Elf-Rose’s appendages is probably an accurate representation of Derrick Rose’s broken body at this point.

2013 All-Star Hat
store.nba.com

You know, sometimes you just got to dump the merchandise. Send it to a less fortunate country and cut your losses. But if you’re really trying to sell what will soon be a 4 year old All-Star game hat, why not give the price a bit more of a haircut than just five dollars off.

Deron Williams Action Figure
store.nba.com

What I love about this one is that you can almost see Deron’s ankle give way. If only there was a tiny button that emitted the sound of Nets fans groaning the immediate moment after his ankle breaks.

Magic Subway Sign
store.nba.com

What a sad history of disappointment for the Orlando Magic. This sign acts as a memorial of what-could-have-been, while also displaying the completely irrelevant. Oladipo? Traded away in a deal universally considered a loss by Orlando. Nick Anderson? Decent. SHAQ!?! We celebrating his time in O-Town? 30 Assists? What does that even mean????? Big Baby and Afflalo? ROLE PLAYERS. Penny? Sad! Did I commit to this bit a bit too much? Yes!

Spurs 2003 Hat
store.nba.com

Strange on several levels. One, why would someone from San Antonio need a beanie? Two, even if they do, why would they necessary want to highlight JUST the 2003 NBA Finals? Three, screw the Spurs, go Nets.

Nets Bikini Bottom
store.nba.com

I did this last year and I will do it every year until they are removed from the site. I am at a loss. Whoever “modeled” these bikini bottoms has now been airbrushed to the point that it looks like the ‘under-the-pants’ area of a Ken Doll. And I totally understand. There are some legit super fans out there that will buy anything with their team’s logo on it, whether its a BBQ set or luggage or a gingerbread house. But if you’re rocking a leopard-skin-patterned Nets bikini bottom, something’s gone wrong.