In an age of fake twitter accounts -- among our favorites are Fake Prokhorov and Kim Kierkegaardashian -- it's rare one gets so much attention so fast as Fake Lawrence Frank. In a week, he's got more than 5,000 followers, helped by recommendations from real tweeters like Adrian Wojnarowski, but mainly because of the "daily reports" he's filing. Frank, of course, was "reassigned" by Jason Kidd a week ago, his daily chores now limited to "daily reports."
No one has seen Frank's actual "daily reports," but everyone is reading Fake Lawrence Frank's!
They're addressed to his former boss and written with disdain bordering on contempt, and ever so condescending.
Even Fake Prokhorov gets upset when he doesn't see a "Daily Report" from Fake Lawrence Frank.
Where are daily report for Knicks team? Is impossible for succeed without daily report on opponent.— Mikhail Prokhorov (@Fake_Prokhorov) December 6, 2013
We can see why. Here's a sampling...
From Fake Report, December 4: "I left my brown suede shoes in the cabinet underneath the DVD player in the locker room. I didn't want to wear them out in the rain last week so I stashed them in there. Can you fed-ex them over to my house? I never want to set foot in that perfume-scented arena again...
"All jokes aside, you should really trade Mirza. Every day that look in his eyes gets a little more Balkan-y, if you know what I mean. Who am I kidding? You don't know what the Balkans are. What I'm trying to say is he might attempt to kill you...
"That's all I got for now. I hate you."
From Fake Report, December 6: "I'll say it again -- You're not doing yourself any favors with that beard. Maybe you're going for the scruffy Euro look, but you really don't have the face for it. You're not a bad-looking guy by any means, but it's not just not working out.
"About that Bargnani/Garnett situation, tell KG to text me what Bargs said. I don't speak Italian myself, but don't forget, I'm from North Jersey. Let's just say, I know a guy who knows a guy.
"That's all I got for now. I'm gonna go make a Spanish omelette."
From Fake Report, December 8: "You got two days off before Boston on Tuesday. Don't take it for granted. Can I suggest, GAME FILM? Seriously, just give it a try. It's really not that much different than watching TV...
"How did you get Paul Pierce on the plane? Does he have family in Wisconsin?
"I gotta say, I'm liking the Bucks court. That green deer head in center court is tremendous and those wacky triangle-shaped pieces of lighter hardwood jutting out really ties it all together. You would think they would put the same amount of effort into building a roster.
"That's it for now. Gotta get my brisket ready in time for football."
No one knows who's writing them. It's not us. What do we suspect? Someone who knows the Nets, writes for a living and respects a deadline. Beyond that, we got nothin'
- Lawrence Frank's Daily Reports - Fake Lawrence Frank